Valentine Einstellungen

[Simonetta]

Valentine

How can I walk around without a tissue these days? That is soooo not possible. I no longer know what to do. I could cry endlessly.
Can this be the beginning of a story? I doubt it. Not a successful one in any case. At least I've finally figured out that I have to use both my languages if I want to arrive at something that is anywhere close to a story, because that's how my heart works. I wanted to say brain, and then the word that appeared on the page was heart, and instead of heart, I nearly wrote rain. And that doesn't make the faintest sense.

I don't want the woman opposite me to leave, because being alone terrifies me. How could the girl I love ever love me back if I'm being such a weirdo, and a sissy. Her love would be the only cure for my sick heart – and yet. I am not a weak person. I'm just a person who can't live without love anymore.

Before she left, the woman who was reading a book at the other side of the coffee house table smiled at me. Cycling away on her bike now, she has already forgotten me, but I will hold on to this smile all day, like a child clutching in her sweaty palm a precious piece of cheap metal.

Like a vampire, I'm feeding on smiles these days – but they fall through me like I'm all hollow inside. That doesn't make them any less important, for they do leave a tiny trace like fluorescent stardust as they scratch the surface of the dark and musty tube that is my soul.

I'm hungry, yet the only smiles that could nourish me are hers. They could be the only solid things to fix this hole, to stop any happiness from falling down this rubbish chute of my desperation.

I must go home to my cat. He has been alone all morning.
He is the hero of this story, because all unaware of his mission, he is pressing his shiny back against the door behind which a suicidal emptiness screams, a door that the frantic storm could blow open at any given moment, if it wasn't for him, bravely asleep between me and the dark night.